Some time ago I took on a journal, and some time ago, I stopped writing in it, and that is okay. I like to think the Journal served its purpose when I needed it most.
I am taking some time to revisit said Journal, and add another entry to my
“Candle in the Dark”.
I hope you find comfort in my words
I recently completed a full Ironman which consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, and a 26.1 mile run. The idea alone of completing 140 miles collectively in one go is almost hard to comprehend. I remember when I was growing up and discovered Ironmen, it seemed unreachable, only worthy of superhumans – far beyond my grasp. I had this idea in my head, more so a dream that somewhere along the way, began to fade until it ceased to exist.
Some time ago I found myself sitting in room, surrounded by strangers, sharing their stories. Bonding through our shared experiences we began to feel seen and understood. I remember vividly sitting in that room feeling absolutely lost. I repeated the same question, why? Why did this happen to me? How did I let this get this far? As Joshua guided us through a sound bath, I lie down, eyes closed, tears rolling down my cheeks.
alone. full of fear. hopeless.
I was 32 and had no idea who I was.
Some of us, if we are fortunate enough, figure that out early on in life. It becomes the steady melody that plays through our lives.
It is harmony.
It is the swell which reaches the shore, continuous and repetitive, forever returning. As the storms from deep within the abyss reach land, we observe its beauty and endless power. The white foam which coats the sandy shore morphs, takes endless shapes, and reminds us all that exists serves a purpose. The white foam which we observe is dissolved matter from decaying plants, algae, plankton, etc. It’s a sign of a healthy ecosystem, forever recycling, playing its part within our world, forever serving its purpose.
Somehow we live in a world of wonder, a world of magic, and we ask, why?
We must find our song, no matter how old we may be. It shall be our guiding north start, forever holding its tune, in harmony with the chaos that life can yield. It doesn’t skip, or change depending on the audience. It remains, true.
Unhindered, untainted. Forever capturing your essence and reminding those closest to you, and most importantly yourself, to never let that song go quiet.
Do not dampen it, do not dim your light. You are worthy of every experience this world offers you. Every kind affection, every disappointment, every laugh which cramps your stomach, every tear in love and grief. You are worthy.
Within the four corners of that room, I began to understand who I was, who I wasn’t, who I had become, and most importantly, the man I would be going forward. I put pen to paper and chose words to be described by. Words which I would embody, even if I didn’t quite believe I could. I would become that man.
I found my song.
I stopped asking why?
I asked how.
Suddenly the world becomes like play-dough. You can grab it, mold it, and create the world you want to live in. You become that which you believe yourself to be. You create the world around you. Curiosity allows for wonder, understanding, and awe.
It’s a funny notion when I think about these words. I reflect on their purpose, and the countless stories, poems, letters, books, etc. All aiming to capture one thing
our human experience.
The comfort I find in the note above.
For however long we exist, for the countless eternities we have roamed our earth, every single experience and emotion has been felt and lived a million times before, and will continue to echo for all of time as best we can comprehend. These words, and our ability to use language to somehow capture that experience reminds us we are not alone.
we are alive. We. Are. Alive.
As I thought, I was. As I said I became. As I became, I lived. As I lived, I loved.
I think we forget just how powerful we are, and perhaps, what our purpose is while our candlelight still burns. What kind of life are you consciously choosing to live?
I will leave that question for you to reflect on.
For me its quite simple.
I choose to live, every single day.
I hope my legacy will be measured by the impact I have made in other’s lives. Either by words spoken or the silent observations. The actions behind each commitment, each warm embrace with love and affection. The shared experiences, and story of overcoming and becoming. The child I was, the son I am, the brother I am, the friend I am, the community I foster, the Man I am, the father I will become.
My life, if the reflection of each decision, each commitment, each no, to say yes. It is the truest expression of who I am. It does not perform, it simply exists.
My Ironman was the culmination of every decision. My personal affirmation of that which I have become. One decision, one run, one swim, one bike ride. Compounding over 1095 days.
There was a quiet dissonance which delicately hummed as my song played. In living your truth, it pronounces that which was never aligned with you. It brings clarity to relationships, and reinforces that which is to stay, and that which you must let go. The quiet dissonance fades and you create the space to let more in. Your song grows and attracts that which was always meant for you.
“I will build a life so beautiful…”
“YOU will build a life so beautiful….”
fill in the rest. we have a blank canvas.
